I have to give the utmost credit to all of the single mamas out there. This is no easy gig, or for the faint of heart. I'm sure single dads have no easy task in front of them either; but I am not a dad, nor do I know what that feels like, so I'm writing from a mama perspective.
Single mamas need to be unshakable. You are primary bread winner, chef, housekeeper, accountant and bill payer, event planner, and personal assistant to your child. Not only do they physically demand so much in terms of manual labor, you need to be the constant rock of emotional support. When the shit hits the fan, you can't pass the kid off and go smoke cigs on the deck until you hack your lungs up. Oh no, your child will stand right at the sliding glass door and beg you to come back inside. There is no break. Unless bed time counts, but by then you are frantically catching up on whatever didn't get done, because you were reading the same book for the bajillionth time or laying on the floor playing choo choo trains and trucks.
I wouldn't trade any of it for bags of money or the ability to smoke cigs in peace. Truly.
There are the times though when the "l" word creeps up on me and startles me. The "l" word being loneliness - or as I usually say "I'm sooooo bored" (very junior high like - syllables long and drawn out like I would have said to my mom while riding in her station wagon after she asked how my day was). Saying "I'm bored" feels much more comfortable to stomach then the "l" word. Perhaps less self-deprecating?
An article came out in the local paper this week about the declining rate of marriage, per the 2010 census. Many more people are going it alone. One professor argued that single parents forge relationships with extended family, friends, and different partners that are equal to the stability that traditional marriage supplies for a child. Not so, according to another professor. Single parents are more likely to live in poverty, provide less stability, and have rotating relationships with multiple partners that come in and out of the picture that create confusion and feelings of betrayal for children.
So, for those forging it alone, be it bored or lonely - where is the 'happily ever after'? The moment my lil man entered the world, I understood from my core, that life had ceased to be about me and only me. He would always come first, but I also equally believe that a healthy, happy mama equals a healthy, happy child. For me, at some point, that would also include finding someone to spend my life with. Someone who respects me; all of me - the good, the bad and the ugly. I have yet to figure out how to balance that emotional need with what is best for lil man.
Perhaps I will never truly know what is right. Still though, I am going to cling to my little girl dream that someone will some day equate what 'we' have to some sappy, old country song. Maybe that will never be my reality and that is ok too. In the mean time, I'll just keep sending out good vibes into the universe that my mama intuition will supercede and the first professor will be correct in their analysis of single parent status. We are not doomed - he is not totally effed because his mama isn't married. Instead, maybe, just maybe, the other relationships I have forged will be enough. And that will be good enough for me.
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